I just decide to come back to the blog

Just out of the blur, i come back to my long-lost blog again.

I just want to talk about my problem a little bit.

I wonder whether I am a person who has problems and ignore the problems. When i have acne on my face, I never care and I let it be. However, at some point in my life, i feel annoy about it because it makes me look ugly. Be ugly is not confident at all and i don't want to lost my confident. Now, the question is whether i have no ability to solve this problem or what? Yes! I confess that i have no ability to take care of myself.

It is not the only confession that I will make here. There are many others confessions that I want to make.

Next confession is that I am unable to write a good or paragraph. The problem with me is that I don't update myself with new vocabulary, so what i know now is just simple and plain words which lack the beauty of expression. I can't express my feeling well because I don't know many vocabulary, so to express that well, i need to learn vocabulary everyday because no matter how good my English was, I would not be able to use it .

The main point is , i never be able to do anything well, but i really wonder why i am where i am right now? I really don't understand this point. Even the subject that i study, i don't feel like i learn anything from them. Let's say Foundation and Earth Structure. I only read a few notes for this subjects and do some exercise, but if you ask me whether i really understand that or not, i would say no. I really don't understand the fact that I am here. Or most of the people feel like me? I don't think so, because i know how it feel to be able to do something good. It's not this feeling. I got only B for my subjects. Most of the subjects i got are B. And B is bad for university student. It means that you learn only 10 % of the program. It just that, the admin doesn't want to fail you for the course because it would effect the system of the university when many students fail.

So, the point is how am I going to bring up my life? How am i going to work if i don't feel that i am ready to do anything good yet. Anything i do right now is based on emotion most of the time. If i want to go to Facebook, i just go and i don't care that i have something which is very important that i need to deal with first. i don't put what i need to do first. i just mixed the important thing with the unnecssary thing.

Or, this is me? Can i change that habit? and how can i change if i never really care about what is going to happen in the future. I really want do something that make me happy to day. Let's say , i would do my extended proposal, but i feel like it is something fun to do rather than focus on doing in a serious manner. and i just go back to facebook while i am doing my project. i spend only 1 hour to do sometimes and the rest of the time, i spend on facebook or chatting with my friends, sleeping, watching this and that. i don't control myself, i just let my mood go wherever it wants to go.

Haiii.... i understand that i shouldn't worry much about anything because it is life, but at one point if my life go to the wrong direction, i will feel bad and regret about it. How can you be happy when you are facing many problems that you can't solve. That's the reasons why you see some people decide to commit suicide because that is the easiest way to avoid the problem. you don't have to care about anything anymore. People will stop complaining at you, you don't have to pay for your meal, you don't have to do the work to get the money to spend for your daily activity. you don't have to say anything to anyone.

Wow. i feel like i have many thing to say it out when i feel free to say it out. though what i am writing is some kind of awkward.

Ok, after i talk about the problems that i have and i hardly face them and solve them in a man manner. I feel like i want to be a girl since i was a kid because being a girl you don't have to study much, you just stay at home and being feed by your husband. but is this a very good solution. Are you sure that is the best way? No, i don't think so,

Ok, let's just keep this time as expressing time. you can say anything you want to any body you want to say too. this is the thing that you can shout out and later, you can check yourself.

So, about myself, i haven't done with it yet. i don't know when i become better and do thing as professional as possible. or i still keep doing the kid stuff and never learn how to be a mature person? will i ever be the right person that i want? i am not sure. Life is very complicated at some point, you have to understand that. You can't be good all the time and you can be bad all the time. life is a combination of up and down events that you will face day by day. Whether you want it or not, you will face something. I don't believe that some people are always happy and some people are always sad. you have to acknoledge the good time as well. Let's say your life, you have been travelling a lot and you have spend a lot of fun time with your friends without have to think of anything, and you only spend once a while to do your job. and you still have money circulate in your account. and you don't really complain when you are happy. You feel like your life is awesom. but at that time, do you think that others peopel are feeling like you? do you think that your brother and your sister are feeling happy as you are? nO, sometimes, they are upset about this and that, but they just don't tell you what that is about. You can't know it until you are told by them.

This is complciated, you see? life is not just as normal as you think. actually, life is normal if you think it is normal, and it is complicated if you think it is complicated. it is your brain that project what it should be that you should be thinking. it's all about your brain. sometimes, you feel horny, sometime you feel happy, sometimes you feel sad, sometimes, you feel that your life is awesome, sometimes you feel that everything in this world are against me or sometime you think that everything are on your side.

Hiaiiilajf... what am i writing about the time is running out and i keep writing whatever is in my head. haha.... am i crazy? i should be one because sometimes i just do something out of the blur. i keep changing. my brain is abnormal. i am not as normal as other people. other people are normal, they can think and do what is good for them, but am i sure about that? how can i enter somebody's mind? i just predict it myself. What if what you are facing thesedays is not something real? what if it's a test of life which is put to you by someone that you will never know. it's like i feed the fish. The fish is happy when i bring the bread to the lack, but they don't know what is me, why do i bring the bread to them. but sometimes, i bring the predator to the lake and let it catch those fish. if i were the fish, what would i think? what is the possible idea that come into my brain? i would be happy and feel good when i have bread, i would be sad and frighten when i see the predator. Those things could happen, so from the analogy, you can see that sometimes there are many things that you don't know, and you act like you know everything about life. you know that there is no haven and there is no hell. you only know them when you face them. i don't believe that there is a possiblity of ghost, but nisa believe that she sees them, so how can you say what is right what is wrong? how can you be sure about the science if it keeps changing like that. this is very complictated. the more you think, the more you realise that you are just nothing in this world. people don't really care about what you are doing becasue they are busy doing their job as well. the lecturer doesn't care whether you do your job or not, he just busy doing his job and have no time to care about that. It's your score for your life whether you get good or bad is up to you. you have to understand this. there is nothing important in this life. everything is always in your head. you can't control your head sometimes, maybe because of something is block it there . and you can do something good, maybe because somebody help you to unlock something. How can you be sure about everything in this world.

let's say that i was borned in this world, maybe because of the pray of my parents when they go to Oudong moutain to ask me from there, then i was born from a monkey. let's say maybe. who knows whether it is right or wrong? i am born in this world with somebody helping me out and finally , i forget who bring me up to here. is it why i become like this? is it why i never understand myself clearly? because i am not grateful for what i am having right now?

Let's consider this scinario. There is a monkey on the tree in the forest which you can't see, it's only the spirit and this spirit has been proof right for many century. this spirit reach the time when it has to be born and then you are borned because of the love of your parents. and then when you are borned, you are given some kind of string on your shoulder meaning that you are protected by your ex-mother. this may be true because how can he knows that i have that if nobody ever told him something like that. if you believe in that, you are too superstituous and you are not developed. yeah of course, it's not going to be developed because it is how the world is design for.

It's not all the nation become a great a nation and it's not all the good nation will live forever. you have to accept the diversify idea. It's is a place for everyone. you have to respect each other at all time. nobody is better than any body. yeah, there is if we compare at some point, but overall all the people are the same if they are undergone to many same procedures. so people are self realise and they go out the place that they don't want to go and they make theirl life happy ending since then. some pepole still can't leave their life and have to suffer for the rest of their life and never know what is lif e for. some people like rock star sare living a great life. they have whatever they want and be whatever they want to be. but there is nothing certain. everyday, if you see the news, you will realise that thing keep changing. like the girl that you love, she now stops loving and i understand that fact and she just realise that fact because she just old enough to understand that fact. she is not living happy life because she realise something that maybe i don't know. she is the good girl now for herself and for her bf.

why i keep writing about somethng nonsense like this? because i like doing something that is not important for my life. i like to make myself busy but not with something necessary, but with something that is not proiftable, somthing that is for fun. but i think that's what most people do. i just wonder if i don't do what i am supposed to do, then what happen? am i going to graduate from this univer sity? am i going to have a full of good life in the future? i don't know but i will have to face a moment when people keep looking down on you and that is what you can't avoid and that is what you have to face and you will be upset when people say somthing bad about you.

Lazy lazy is the most important thing that i have and i can't live without it. and i don't know what the hell i am writing right now. it just makes me feel more an dmore lazy...... lolz... this is me. and i don't want to make a vow to anything more in the future, i don't care whether i will face a life changing experience or not. i dn't care whether i will have a good life or not. i am just happy that i have the breathe to take now and that i can hear the sound of the bird and sound of the wind and the sound of the leave of the tree. i am happy now that i can write as many as paragharph i want without doing any editing and without care whether anybody will come to read my blog or not becasue my blog, no one know about it. haha....

this is the place where you can say whatever you want to any body you want. you tell scold or do anything you want to do here.... you can improve your stupid skill you can improve your nothing skill in here...haha... you are nothing and you never try to improve anything and at the end of the day, you become crazy becuase you are living in a fantasy world. fauk