Feeling unstable

After 3 days of holidays i feel unstable now. I can't focus on anything. I dream a lot recently. it makes me lazy.

hmm... i don't know what to do now. I'm so blank and it's what i hate. I wonder why i become like this? i wonder why i'm not socialized anymore, why i want to be alone to do something depend on some specific friends? why don't i go out to the real world, and communicate with them?

I know what i am having now is very comfortable, i just don't want to get out of it. I just follow what others do, i don't have my own principle, that's why i can go out with anybody.

There are a lot of problems occuring with me. I don't know a lot of people's name, i never even try to remember their name. i'm so cold when i talk to other people. I don't speak much sometimes, i don't interact much. I lost my sense of humor....hmm..i can't express myself very well. it's because i'm afraid of the truth.

I'm so slow recently, i can't decide to do something very fast as before, when i want to do something, i have to think whether i need to inform one person or not.

I'm going to read something and go to sleep now.

Stupid

i'm really busy today and yesterday because i need to finish my assignment. During These few days, i was very forgetful, i'm even forget what my timetable is....yesterday, i kept my lab instruction in the lab, stupid.... so stupid, i'm a group leader and i'm very forgetful....lob lob!!!!

Second Day of My New Timetable: Become Lazy Again

It seems to me that my unidentified feeling is starting to come back again. Why? is it because i don't listen to music or is it because i play around too much? hmmm

I think i know the answer to that. There are a few reasons why i behave the way i behave now. First of all, it's my bad habit. I always feel lazy as the time goes by, i just can't be hard-working as always, that's why i'm trying to change myself. The second reason is that i speak too much. Whenever, i start speaking too much, i won't be able to concentrate at all, so that's why i don't feel like doing my assignment cuz i can't concentrate. The last reason is that i don't want to stay in my room. I need to feel posses with something which are my properties so that i feel like i have something as my own, so that i will start to pay attention on something else.

Therefore, to find my real feeling, i need to get rid of being lazy by trying to find something useful to do such as helping other people, prepare my room and so on. Morever, i need to control myself by not speaking much, i'd rather thinking much more than i speak. Also, i need to feel my property, touching my bad, feeling my clothes so that i won't take those things as grainted. Now, i fel like i know who i am and what i should do now.... :)

New Discovery

I just realize that without smiling or speaking to other people much along the street help me to increase my inside power. From now on, when i go to class or walk to anywhere i just have a headset with my phone and keep walking the street when i walk. Hopefully, i will keep this up!!!!

Feel Bad Cuz of Quiz

Just realise that i haven't done two quizs :(......

I really feel bad about that and i don't feel like to do anything at all. I just want to stay sad and do nothing, it's my nature, but will it improve anything? No, man!!!

I think i gotta be strong and find the way to get out of this hole.

I remember a story about 2 men who walked at the same path where there is hold on that dark road.
Those two guys fall in that whole when they walk through there because they can't see a whole along the road. Next time, when they come to that road again, one guy realise that there is a hole in that road and he walk around that road, and remember of how he fall last time; however, the other guy, when he come to the place where there is a hole , he just falls down in that whole again, and later on he just fall in the whole again everytime he comes to that road, while the other guys is finding a new life and never live in that whole again.

As for my conditioin, is like the guy who falls in the same hole as he alwasy walk to that road. He never remember his past experience, he never make an improvement, he's just lazy to observe everything around him and then he fall in to the same hole every time.

Every semester, i always fall into the same holes, repeat the same mistakes as always, i know that i need to change for sure, but just when? I don't know, or maybe i will never change? or maybe, i will live in the past experience? Or maybe i will be stressfull for the rest of my life? or Maybe i will be regreat for the rest of my life when i realise that i don't have the chance to improve myself anymore? should i wait until that time to kill me or should i kill myself by not trying to improve anything at all from now.

I have to make a decision. It's a life decision, if i chose to not to try to improve anything, i'm just be a bad person, i don't have to do anything,i don't have to go class, i don't have to be afraid of getting low mark, i just stay at my room, playing game, going for sport, going for shopping, stop caring about school at all anymore.

However, if i really care and really want to change to be a good person, i need to tell myself to wake up, to make an improvement, to do something that other people will never that i do it. Just to surprise them or yourself, i should do something special that people never know about that when they see it, they just stun.... What should i do? Focus on studying, i know that i don't focus much on studying yet.

A bit complicated here, just want to make sure that i will try to make a change...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My rold model

There are many people who i know that i can take as my role model because most of the people i know are helpful, and good in almost everything. I just can't take all of them to be my role model cuz role model is the one that you have to put in your mind all the time so that you can follow what he is doing.

The person that i consider as my role model is my bro whose name is Pen. He is a very helpful person. No matter how he is busy, he's always help me and others as long as those people are having problems. He's also kind. Whenever he has something to eat, he always share what he has with us. He's also good at relationship. He knows a lot of people. I think it's because he's helpful that's why a lot of people know him and like him. About his work, he's really fast in doing his work with fully attention, but he also spend his time on movie and sport as well. He's always make his room comfortable, that's why i like to go to his room and sleep there sometimes.

Last semester, when he's with me, i always follow what he does such as learing how to make a decision, be independent, and so on. But, this semester, since he's not here anymore, i lost control most of the times, but luckyly, i have a special one to take care for me, to encourage me all the time, thank to her so much. I'll mention about you later... :)

I'll try to remeber of you most of the time when i can't think of anything or when i can't decide to do anything.

Still not change!

it has been 4 or 5 years already since i first graduate from my high school, but i'm still the same. I still don't like studying, i still don't know exactly what i want my life to be! Or it becomes my habit already? i don't really understand this!!

i really want to change, but i never give a try to that! I always said that i will try to change, but actually, i never even try for one time. Whenever i am lazy or have no mood , I just give in and never care to give a try on winning on those things.

So far, i have been in university life for 5 years already, but i honestly don't know what i am capable of. Sometimes, i still do or think like a kid. Sometimes, out of a sudden, i felt like i am a good man, i feel like i can do anything. This feeling happen only when i can have a chance to start something new, but after a while, i will become who i am again!!!!

I am going to have test one soon today, and it's the way the make me think of how to get good score. Then, i will start to think of these things. After a while, when i am free, i will stop thinking of these problems, and will start to do something out of control again(and i hate when i am out of control).

I feel a bit release now since i can say out what my feeling is today!!!

Anyway, i'm about to have test one soon, i think i'd better stop thinking of how to make myself good or changing myself anymore, gotta start thinking of how to get good score on this test!!!

hmm....sigh!!!!!