Damn it, i really don't know what to do with my fyp and this is already week 9. I am really worried and i don't know what i need to do with it. Fuck it! Just give me my degree without you, please!!!!
The moment i was very down is when my supervisor told me that you can search for the data from the papers. and he said there are a lot which i don't know where to find. That words really kill me and i just have no courage and i can't find way to do that anymore. i don't know how it is going to be like! The date for viva presentation is coming and i still haven't prepared my slide and to make it worse, i don't know what to put in my slide yet.
Am i going to die? Will i be able to graduate. Fuck this! this thought just drive me crazy. Please! somebody helps me! This is the final year. This is not like before like when you can give a crap to the paper or presentation. The one who come to judge me is professional. He knows what i am doing and he knows whether i am going to right way or to the wrong ways. How am i going to do this? Will i survive this time? i don't feel that i am going to be able to take breath this week. and i don't know whether i can manage my mind to at least go on with something that i don't even know where it is heading to. Fuck it!!!!! i loath it!!! This is the worst feeling of my life. I have motivation and everything to move on, but i just don't know which ways. The lecturer told me that if you cannot go this way, you have to go to another way. He wants me to keep pushing. Pushing what? I really hate you!!!
Yeee..... I really can't share this with anyone especially with my parents who are really happy with their wealth right now. I think i just keep it for myself. I don't even know what to put next. Who can help me? Where should i start? What should i do with you FYP? Will i am able to see the sunlight after this Wednesday? Will i be able to find something to put into my word in the next few days? I will be date if i am still can't find anything to write in this. I need to change my attitude of course.
Will this be the most moment in my life? Can i swim out of this? When can i see the place i want to go? hai.... life is really suffering right now. And i still feel relax. What is this attitude i am having? Why i don't feel any pressure to do anything? What i learn from the past?
Hai.... Am i going to reach my goal that i set? If not, how can i become what i want to be? How can i have something good in my life? how can i have modern things? How i can i have this and that? How can i have girls to love me? How can i earn my respect from others? How can i live and deal with this world? Why should i come here and let many people expect to get something good from me while i can't produce something good for them? When can i just relax and do nothing for the rest of my life? Why do i have to do this and that. ......
I just want to keep writing here because i hate to see what i have to do next with my fyp. If i don't move on what am i supposed to do.
I just want to read and note down all the thing that i don't understand and go to see my supervisor, but i dare not see him anymore because it's been long that i haven't done anything and i have to meet him again? for what? For update what? and i never have any question to ask him much because i don't know what to ask. Shitt.....
Is this life? is this real life? Why do i have to face it like this? What can i do now? What can i do to survive this? It's like the water is up at my nose now and if i don't try to swim out of it, i will die. Do i want to die or i want to live. Of course, i want to live. There are many good things waiting for me to go back home to do. There are many happy time waiting for me. There are many beautiful girls waiting for me to go back to wait for me to flirt with.
I have to be strong to get out of this. But how to be strong. Consider every obstacles here as your stepping stone to success. Learn from them. Learn why you can't focus and doing it right? is it your attitude or is it the work itself? Have you prepare yourself for it? Have you done what you suppose to do? Have you tried something hard enough before you say it out? or you just give it up when you just see the obstacle come? How can you deal with the worse situation than this? You think the place you will live is much better than this? No... everything need hard effort and if you still act like this, you will not be able to go anywhere. If you don't plan and do what you should do. Then you will have nothing. This is life, you must know how to deal with all the situation. let's say now what situation you are having. You are having hard time understanding what you are reading, right? But have you asked yourself, what do you need before you start reading? No... you just start reading something without knowing what you want from it. This is insane. No matter how many hours you spend on that, you will get nothing. It's like you are supposed to get the clean water from the well, but you keep going to the river to get the polluted water because you think that river and well are all have water but you don't know that actually well water is what you supposed to get and that water is clean. And finally when you come to your village, people scold you that you did the wrong thing, but you don't accept that and you just stop doing that and again later, you stop going to meet them and you just give in and stop doing it until it's too late.
So what is the problem here? whether you are lazy or you don't know what to do? You have to keep walking and asking yourself until you find the answer. Now sleeping is not a problem for you anymore because you said already that you don't want to die so it means you choose the hard way to survive. You chose the hard way to learn.
Now, i don't want you to walk in order to get the idea because that may just another excuse that you make so that you avoid your problem again. Now i want you write your problems from your mind first and then we will go to deal with it together.
Now, the issue that i am worried about is my FYP. The topic for my FYP is Finite Element Modelling Reinforce Concrete Beam. What i am worried about is that i worried that i will fail this because i have only monday and tuesday and i haven't start getting anything done yet. The worst thing that could happen to this is that i will fail my FYP because this time the mark is 30. and if i can't pass this FYP, i will not be able to graduate and if i will be able to graduate, i will spend may spend my parents' money to extent this scholarship and if i need to extent this scholarship, i will waste time doing something that i need to do in Cambodia, and if i can't do that i will be shameful not only me, but my family also. This is the worst thought that i have had so far.
Now, the question is is there anybody who fail their FYP yet? Do you know anybody who fail FYP? No, i haven't heard anybody who fail it. I only heard that people can't get it done well and get bad grade for that. Most of the people, they can finish theirs but not in a good scope. The point is that they keep doing and submit what they are supposed to do. So it means that as long as you keep doing it and result whether is good or not, you just try your best and present them to the your sv, right?
So, now i got an idea for you. You just keep doing your FYP, normally. Now the first thing is that put the average law in here. You always have the worry that you may fail , but so far, you haven't fail for one yet, if you do, you wouldn't be like this, you would try your best to do something already, but since you haven't failed anything yet, that's why you are still lazy like this. And i reassure you that this is not going to happen since nobody have failed it yet as long as they tried their best to do it. You have to try your best by not thinking about sleeping for a while, and keep your focus on your FYP for a while. You keep your best doing and don't care about the result, and i believe that you can do it because you always do it like that. Don't you think so? Even though your result is not good, that is going to be okay for you because as long as you produce something at that day, that would be ok.
So, your next thought is your strategy to do it. So how are you going to do? It's like how is your final product is going to look like? How many times you want to spend time on presenting it to yourself? How many paper you should read, and how many hours you should spend on the program and how many hours you should spend on writing the paper again. You need to ask how. because you already know what you want to do already. What you want to do is to make a presentation slide and be ready for the presentation and then go to present, that's it! Go go meet your lecturer and take the paper from him and do the correction.
Ok, here is what i am going to do.
1. I will forget about everything and i will go to start using software and do my best spend all my time. Consider it as a game. A game to create a beam. If you can create a beam with the steel bar in their and you can do some experiment on that, then you can go to sleep. I don't care which strategy you do it. This part, you have to do it by yourself. It's fun, right?
Ok, Iwill do it.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
mess up!
Just keep messing up with your life until you one day you are no longer live in this world because that is who you are, beast!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Game!
We started playing game since the minutes we were in the womb. Life is a game. You become a loser when you are not ready for it or when you ignore the game that you play. You might think you don't want to play this game, but whether you want it or not, you are already in the ring. Now you have two choices whether to train yourself to prepare for the game or you don't care whether you will lose it or not; you just play along the game. That's when you exactly become a loser. You might be happy sometimes that you win some match, but the person you just won is just another loser in life.
I talk about the game of life here because i want myself to realize in which category i am in right now? My game is on. I trained once a while, my skill is not solid, and i am easily changed by the rule. i don't care about the rule, i don't care about the pride, i just become sad when i become a loser.
I lost many games already, but i just don't realize that. The first game I lose is when i was in University. I lost the game of love, i lost the game of winning friends, i lose the game of studying. I was not listed in the top-ranking. I was ignored. Until at one point, another game was open for me and not many winner are interested in them, so i was accepted for this game which i come to Malay.
During the game, i lost many battles as well, but i also didn't realize that. I lost the game of love again, and i lost the game of studying again. People ignore me cuz i'm not a superstar. At the end of year 4, i lost another game of love. My competition was kind of better than me cuz he prepared himself for that.
Now, I am going to ring again for the next few days, but i am still not ready for the game. Sometimes, i just don't care about that anymore because it's not that i don't want to care, but i just don't feel like playing this game.
It was not excited cuz i hardly train myself and when i train, i don't feel enthusiastic in it. So, i am just ready to fail this game? i don't know.
What will happen if i lose this game? What happen if i keep on losing the game? What happen if i am not allowed to play the game anymore?
Than, the last thing for me is "Game is over". However, whether it is over or not, the best thing is to enjoy while you playing that game because that's the only matter. It's just that you will be much more happy when you win the game and you don't feel regret to play the game, but if you don't care and be happy with the game, i just feel like you waste a lot of your time since the beginning.
If i can chose not to play the game, i wouldn't have any much story that i have told people so far. My stories were stupid, and some are very stupid, but does that mean you are stupid right not? No, You were stupid and you still stupid and you will always be stupid. People just don't accept that they are stupid.
According to Cambridge Advance Learner's Dictionary, "Stupid" means foolish, lacking judgement or intelligence. Tell me one person who when meet something new and don't feel like that. When you face something strange, something you never know, you feel foolish, you feel that you can't judge anything regarding to that you don't have any intelligence relateing to that. However, some people just don't show it. They prefer keep stupidity inside so that people won't know that they are stupid. Some people understand this and realize that being stupid is just a part of life growing. One day, when you have experiences, when you have understands new things, then you will not become stupid anymore. However, if you meet new things in your life, something that you never know, something that is important to you and you want to learn it and then you will becomes stupid again.
Meaning if you stop being stupid it means whether you don't accept that people are stupid or you think that you already master everything in this world. People who think that they know everything already is already a sign of stupidity because no one in this world can know everything.
Like doing research, you are still stupid about that because the time you spend with it is not enough and you still overcome it, but once you overcome it, once you spend enough time with it, you will grow and stupidity is no more in yourself.
That is the reasons why it is very good to be stupid because being stupid is a sign of learning new things. If you think that you are not stupid you are stupid. You don't want to grow and you feel like that is enough for your life.
However, there is nothing enough for human being. The time you admit that you don't want to learn new thing, you don't care about anything thing going in this world, you constrian yourself with limited knowledge, then you will be left out and you will become the most stupid person in the world.
So, understand what is stupid is and learn to overcome it and find other stupid thing and keep on learning because that is what make life exciting. That is what life is made of.
I talk about the game of life here because i want myself to realize in which category i am in right now? My game is on. I trained once a while, my skill is not solid, and i am easily changed by the rule. i don't care about the rule, i don't care about the pride, i just become sad when i become a loser.
I lost many games already, but i just don't realize that. The first game I lose is when i was in University. I lost the game of love, i lost the game of winning friends, i lose the game of studying. I was not listed in the top-ranking. I was ignored. Until at one point, another game was open for me and not many winner are interested in them, so i was accepted for this game which i come to Malay.
During the game, i lost many battles as well, but i also didn't realize that. I lost the game of love again, and i lost the game of studying again. People ignore me cuz i'm not a superstar. At the end of year 4, i lost another game of love. My competition was kind of better than me cuz he prepared himself for that.
Now, I am going to ring again for the next few days, but i am still not ready for the game. Sometimes, i just don't care about that anymore because it's not that i don't want to care, but i just don't feel like playing this game.
It was not excited cuz i hardly train myself and when i train, i don't feel enthusiastic in it. So, i am just ready to fail this game? i don't know.
What will happen if i lose this game? What happen if i keep on losing the game? What happen if i am not allowed to play the game anymore?
Than, the last thing for me is "Game is over". However, whether it is over or not, the best thing is to enjoy while you playing that game because that's the only matter. It's just that you will be much more happy when you win the game and you don't feel regret to play the game, but if you don't care and be happy with the game, i just feel like you waste a lot of your time since the beginning.
If i can chose not to play the game, i wouldn't have any much story that i have told people so far. My stories were stupid, and some are very stupid, but does that mean you are stupid right not? No, You were stupid and you still stupid and you will always be stupid. People just don't accept that they are stupid.
According to Cambridge Advance Learner's Dictionary, "Stupid" means foolish, lacking judgement or intelligence. Tell me one person who when meet something new and don't feel like that. When you face something strange, something you never know, you feel foolish, you feel that you can't judge anything regarding to that you don't have any intelligence relateing to that. However, some people just don't show it. They prefer keep stupidity inside so that people won't know that they are stupid. Some people understand this and realize that being stupid is just a part of life growing. One day, when you have experiences, when you have understands new things, then you will not become stupid anymore. However, if you meet new things in your life, something that you never know, something that is important to you and you want to learn it and then you will becomes stupid again.
Meaning if you stop being stupid it means whether you don't accept that people are stupid or you think that you already master everything in this world. People who think that they know everything already is already a sign of stupidity because no one in this world can know everything.
Like doing research, you are still stupid about that because the time you spend with it is not enough and you still overcome it, but once you overcome it, once you spend enough time with it, you will grow and stupidity is no more in yourself.
That is the reasons why it is very good to be stupid because being stupid is a sign of learning new things. If you think that you are not stupid you are stupid. You don't want to grow and you feel like that is enough for your life.
However, there is nothing enough for human being. The time you admit that you don't want to learn new thing, you don't care about anything thing going in this world, you constrian yourself with limited knowledge, then you will be left out and you will become the most stupid person in the world.
So, understand what is stupid is and learn to overcome it and find other stupid thing and keep on learning because that is what make life exciting. That is what life is made of.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Where is my soul?
I've been living in hell after i fall from this high expectation of mine. I don't have the courage to do anything anymore, but time is flying and i just can't stop it from moving. i don't know where i am heading.
The only thought that come into my mind is the picture of me hanging myself on the fan in my room and me drowning utp lack. I can't find any ray of hope in my life anymore. My pain of losing Sopha is growing stronger as i become weaker. All the thought that i think is all fault. My life is revolved around the pain that result from what i left on my path. I can't have a peace of mind in my head.
I am really hopeless right now, and i don't want to move on anymore. I can't find anybody to help me. Though people try to tell me this and that to get better, but i still not moving. i feel like nothing is helping me to move on at all. I can't see my future. i feel like i am at a point that i do not move to anywhere. I just halt.
Honestly, i want to commit suicide and i want to leave all these problems in this world. But i am afraid of death. I fear that i hurt so much before i die. i fear that when i am dead, my parents will cry and sick because of me. i am afraid that my family such as my sisters, brothers, nephews, neices will cry for me.
And committing suicide is just a shame to the family. It shows that i am not capable of dealing with my problem and give up and avoid the problems. It's really a shame that you never have the courage to face your problem.
In the future, how can you solve your problem? The problem may come in a bigger picture. What is your problem now comparing to the problems that your parents have faced?
You just have a few problems.
1. You haven't finish your lab report,
2. you haven't started doing your assignment which is suppose to submit on tmr.
3. You haven't start doing your fyp at all since you have to see your SV on this friday
4. The last one which cause by the first 3 is that you have you miss Sopha and you just dream of her once.
These are the 4 problems that you have so far. You haven't done dealing with any one of them yet. You are afraid of that problem.
So now, i ask you! What is the worst possible outcome of the first problem?
I will just lost let's say 5% of your total mark, that's it!
For the second one, you will lost only 8% of your total mark
For the next one, you will lost only 30% of your mark
For the last one, you just feel down, and there are a lot of others girls waiting for you to graduate! See your brother as sample. He was too upset when he couldn't married with the girl that he loves, but as times goes by, he will cure that.
Now, just stop all of these worried. and try to hold your grip and get up and fight with your problem. As long as you are not saying that you are defeated, you are still alive.
Now, be prepared for those marks that you may lose, and do your best to get up back. Stop griefing on the past and stop thinking of the future. Start doing your report when you can, keep fighting because only the spirit of fighting that can keep you alive.
Stop thinking! Just start doing! Don't feel regret of what you have done! As long as you know what your mistake is, you will be better and from that point you will be great.
Remember that you have a lot of things left in Cambodia, you have 2 lands, you have 10 000 usd, you have a good family, you have a lot friends, you life is meant to be wonderful, not this bad. It's just a temporary defeat. This defeat will become the bridge as you keep fighting! Cheer!!!
The only thought that come into my mind is the picture of me hanging myself on the fan in my room and me drowning utp lack. I can't find any ray of hope in my life anymore. My pain of losing Sopha is growing stronger as i become weaker. All the thought that i think is all fault. My life is revolved around the pain that result from what i left on my path. I can't have a peace of mind in my head.
I am really hopeless right now, and i don't want to move on anymore. I can't find anybody to help me. Though people try to tell me this and that to get better, but i still not moving. i feel like nothing is helping me to move on at all. I can't see my future. i feel like i am at a point that i do not move to anywhere. I just halt.
Honestly, i want to commit suicide and i want to leave all these problems in this world. But i am afraid of death. I fear that i hurt so much before i die. i fear that when i am dead, my parents will cry and sick because of me. i am afraid that my family such as my sisters, brothers, nephews, neices will cry for me.
And committing suicide is just a shame to the family. It shows that i am not capable of dealing with my problem and give up and avoid the problems. It's really a shame that you never have the courage to face your problem.
In the future, how can you solve your problem? The problem may come in a bigger picture. What is your problem now comparing to the problems that your parents have faced?
You just have a few problems.
1. You haven't finish your lab report,
2. you haven't started doing your assignment which is suppose to submit on tmr.
3. You haven't start doing your fyp at all since you have to see your SV on this friday
4. The last one which cause by the first 3 is that you have you miss Sopha and you just dream of her once.
These are the 4 problems that you have so far. You haven't done dealing with any one of them yet. You are afraid of that problem.
So now, i ask you! What is the worst possible outcome of the first problem?
I will just lost let's say 5% of your total mark, that's it!
For the second one, you will lost only 8% of your total mark
For the next one, you will lost only 30% of your mark
For the last one, you just feel down, and there are a lot of others girls waiting for you to graduate! See your brother as sample. He was too upset when he couldn't married with the girl that he loves, but as times goes by, he will cure that.
Now, just stop all of these worried. and try to hold your grip and get up and fight with your problem. As long as you are not saying that you are defeated, you are still alive.
Now, be prepared for those marks that you may lose, and do your best to get up back. Stop griefing on the past and stop thinking of the future. Start doing your report when you can, keep fighting because only the spirit of fighting that can keep you alive.
Stop thinking! Just start doing! Don't feel regret of what you have done! As long as you know what your mistake is, you will be better and from that point you will be great.
Remember that you have a lot of things left in Cambodia, you have 2 lands, you have 10 000 usd, you have a good family, you have a lot friends, you life is meant to be wonderful, not this bad. It's just a temporary defeat. This defeat will become the bridge as you keep fighting! Cheer!!!
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