FYP!!! I hate you

Damn it, i really don't know what to do with my fyp and this is already week 9. I am really worried and i don't know what i need to do with it. Fuck it! Just give me my degree without you, please!!!!

The moment i was very down is when my supervisor told me that you can search for the data from the papers. and he said there are a lot which i don't know where to find. That words really kill me and i just have no courage and i can't find way to do that anymore. i don't know how it is going to be like! The date for viva presentation is coming and i still haven't prepared my slide and to make it worse, i don't know what to put in my slide yet.

Am i going to die? Will i be able to graduate. Fuck this! this thought just drive me crazy. Please! somebody helps me! This is the final year. This is not like before like when you can give a crap to the paper or presentation. The one who come to judge me is professional. He knows what i am doing and he knows whether i am going to right way or to the wrong ways. How am i going to do this? Will i survive this time? i don't feel that i am going to be able to take breath this week. and i don't know whether i can manage my mind to at least go on with something that i don't even know where it is heading to. Fuck it!!!!! i loath it!!! This is the worst feeling of my life. I have motivation and everything to move on, but i just don't know which ways. The lecturer told me that if you cannot go this way, you have to go to another way. He wants me to keep pushing. Pushing what? I really hate you!!!

Yeee..... I really can't share this with anyone especially with my parents who are really happy with their wealth right now. I think i just keep it for myself. I don't even know what to put next. Who can help me? Where should i start? What should i do with you FYP? Will i am able to see the sunlight after this Wednesday? Will i be able to find something to put into my word in the next few days? I will be date if i am still can't find anything to write in this. I need to change my attitude of course.

Will this be the most moment in my life? Can i swim out of this? When can i see the place i want to go? hai.... life is really suffering right now. And i still feel relax. What is this attitude i am having? Why i don't feel any pressure to do anything? What i learn from the past?

Hai.... Am i going to reach my goal that i set? If not, how can i become what i want to be? How can i have something good in my life? how can i have modern things? How i can i have this and that? How can i have girls to love me? How can i earn my respect from others? How can i live and deal with this world? Why should i come here and let many people expect to get something good from me while i can't produce something good for them? When can i just relax and do nothing for the rest of my life? Why do i have to do this and that. ......

I just want to keep writing here because i hate to see what i have to do next with my fyp. If i don't move on what am i supposed to do.

I just want to read and note down all the thing that i don't understand and go to see my supervisor, but i dare not see him anymore because it's been long that i haven't done anything and i have to meet him again? for what? For update what? and i never have any question to ask him much because i don't know what to ask. Shitt.....

Is this life? is this real life? Why do i have to face it like this? What can i do now? What can i do to survive this? It's like the water is up at my nose now and if i don't try to swim out of it, i will die. Do i want to die or i want to live. Of course, i want to live. There are many good things waiting for me to go back home to do. There are many happy time waiting for me. There are many beautiful girls waiting for me to go back to wait for me to flirt with.

I have to be strong to get out of this. But how to be strong. Consider every obstacles here as your stepping stone to success. Learn from them. Learn why you can't focus and doing it right? is it your attitude or is it the work itself? Have you prepare yourself for it? Have you done what you suppose to do? Have you tried something hard enough before you say it out? or you just give it up when you just see the obstacle come? How can you deal with the worse situation than this? You think the place you will live is much better than this? No... everything need hard effort and if you still act like this, you will not be able to go anywhere. If you don't plan and do what you should do. Then you will have nothing. This is life, you must know how to deal with all the situation. let's say now what situation you are having. You are having hard time understanding what you are reading, right? But have you asked yourself, what do you need before you start reading? No... you just start reading something without knowing what you want from it. This is insane. No matter how many hours you spend on that, you will get nothing. It's like you are supposed to get the clean water from the well, but you keep going to the river to get the polluted water because you think that river and well are all have water but you don't know that actually well water is what you supposed to get and that water is clean. And finally when you come to your village, people scold you that you did the wrong thing, but you don't accept that and you just stop doing that and again later, you stop going to meet them and you just give in and stop doing it until it's too late.

So what is the problem here? whether you are lazy or you don't know what to do? You have to keep walking and asking yourself until you find the answer. Now sleeping is not a problem for you anymore because you said already that you don't want to die so it means you choose the hard way to survive. You chose the hard way to learn.

Now, i don't want you to walk in order to get the idea because that may just another excuse that you make so that you avoid your problem again. Now i want you write your problems from your mind first and then we will go to deal with it together.

Now, the issue that i am worried about is my FYP. The topic for my FYP is Finite Element Modelling Reinforce Concrete Beam. What i am worried about is that i worried that i will fail this because i have only monday and tuesday and i haven't start getting anything done yet. The worst thing that could happen to this is that i will fail my FYP because this time the mark is 30. and if i can't pass this FYP, i will not be able to graduate and if i will be able to graduate, i will spend may spend my parents' money to extent this scholarship and if i need to extent this scholarship, i will waste time doing something that i need to do in Cambodia, and if i can't do that i will be shameful not only me, but my family also. This is the worst thought that i have had so far.

Now, the question is is there anybody who fail their FYP yet? Do you know anybody who fail FYP? No, i haven't heard anybody who fail it. I only heard that people can't get it done well and get bad grade for that. Most of the people, they can finish theirs but not in a good scope. The point is that they keep doing and submit what they are supposed to do. So it means that as long as you keep doing it and result whether is good or not, you just try your best and present them to the your sv, right?

So, now i got an idea for you. You just keep doing your FYP, normally. Now the first thing is that put the average law in here. You always have the worry that you may fail , but so far, you haven't fail for one yet, if you do, you wouldn't be like this, you would try your best to do something already, but since you haven't failed anything yet, that's why you are still lazy like this. And i reassure you that this is not going to happen since nobody have failed it yet as long as they tried their best to do it. You have to try your best by not thinking about sleeping for a while, and keep your focus on your FYP for a while. You keep your best doing and don't care about the result, and i believe that you can do it because you always do it like that. Don't you think so? Even though your result is not good, that is going to be okay for you because as long as you produce something at that day, that would be ok.

So, your next thought is your strategy to do it. So how are you going to do? It's like how is your final product is going to look like? How many times you want to spend time on presenting it to yourself? How many paper you should read, and how many hours you should spend on the program and how many hours you should spend on writing the paper again. You need to ask how. because you already know what you want to do already. What you want to do is to make a presentation slide and be ready for the presentation and then go to present, that's it! Go go meet your lecturer and take the paper from him and do the correction.

Ok, here is what i am going to do.

1. I will forget about everything and i will go to start using software and do my best spend all my time. Consider it as a game. A game to create a beam. If you can create a beam with the steel bar in their and you can do some experiment on that, then you can go to sleep. I don't care which strategy you do it. This part, you have to do it by yourself. It's fun, right?

Ok, Iwill do it.