Where is my soul?

I've been living in hell after i fall from this high expectation of mine. I don't have the courage to do anything anymore, but time is flying and i just can't stop it from moving. i don't know where i am heading.

The only thought that come into my mind is the picture of me hanging myself on the fan in my room and me drowning utp lack. I can't find any ray of hope in my life anymore. My pain of losing Sopha is growing stronger as i become weaker. All the thought that i think is all fault. My life is revolved around the pain that result from what i left on my path. I can't have a peace of mind in my head.

I am really hopeless right now, and i don't want to move on anymore. I can't find anybody to help me. Though people try to tell me this and that to get better, but i still not moving. i feel like nothing is helping me to move on at all. I can't see my future. i feel like i am at a point that i do not move to anywhere. I just halt.

Honestly, i want to commit suicide and i want to leave all these problems in this world. But i am afraid of death. I fear that i hurt so much before i die. i fear that when i am dead, my parents will cry and sick because of me. i am afraid that my family such as my sisters, brothers, nephews, neices will cry for me.

And committing suicide is just a shame to the family. It shows that i am not capable of dealing with my problem and give up and avoid the problems. It's really a shame that you never have the courage to face your problem.

In the future, how can you solve your problem? The problem may come in a bigger picture. What is your problem now comparing to the problems that your parents have faced?

You just have a few problems.
1. You haven't finish your lab report,
2. you haven't started doing your assignment which is suppose to submit on tmr.
3. You haven't start doing your fyp at all since you have to see your SV on this friday
4. The last one which cause by the first 3 is that you have you miss Sopha and you just dream of her once.

These are the 4 problems that you have so far. You haven't done dealing with any one of them yet. You are afraid of that problem.

So now, i ask you! What is the worst possible outcome of the first problem?
I will just lost let's say 5% of your total mark, that's it!

For the second one, you will lost only 8% of your total mark

For the next one, you will lost only 30% of your mark

For the last one, you just feel down, and there are a lot of others girls waiting for you to graduate! See your brother as sample. He was too upset when he couldn't married with the girl that he loves, but as times goes by, he will cure that.

Now, just stop all of these worried. and try to hold your grip and get up and fight with your problem. As long as you are not saying that you are defeated, you are still alive.

Now, be prepared for those marks that you may lose, and do your best to get up back. Stop griefing on the past and stop thinking of the future. Start doing your report when you can, keep fighting because only the spirit of fighting that can keep you alive.

Stop thinking! Just start doing! Don't feel regret of what you have done! As long as you know what your mistake is, you will be better and from that point you will be great.

Remember that you have a lot of things left in Cambodia, you have 2 lands, you have 10 000 usd, you have a good family, you have a lot friends, you life is meant to be wonderful, not this bad. It's just a temporary defeat. This defeat will become the bridge as you keep fighting! Cheer!!!